There has been zero progress with the surfer boy situation. There have been a whole lot of emotions and crazy head games and mind fucks on my end…but nothing real. I have called him twice. He explained that things would be over this Saturday (yesterday), and that he was just concentrating on putting out this fire.
Apparently he has not been worried this whole time about me. About my feelings. About how this has been affecting me.
I spent the majority of yesterday crying. I can’t hold on anymore. If I learned anything from JBag, it’s that I wasn’t going to hold on to someone who wasn’t showing me he loves me. Not as in me looking for signs, but as in him actually telling me. Showing me.
Up until this point, the affection and attention was what really got me about surfer boy. He always showed up for me. Until he didn’t. Then it was 2 weeks of silence. To be fair, he told me he needed a week or 2 to deal with this…I guess I just wasn’t strong enough to hold and wait for that long.
Because I don’t like being ignored. I wanted his attention. Needed him to reach out and tell me it was okay.
And he didn’t.
He still hasn’t. I don’t understand. And at this point, I’m done understanding. I have needs and wants to, and he hasn’t met them.
This feels like rejection. REgardless of the circumstances, that’s how I feel. So now? I let go.
Maybe he’s just not who I thought he was.
I’m trying to go back and channel the girl who didn’t care, the girl who was just in this for fun. Because the moment it’s not fun is the moment it needs to be done.
So. I’m calling it done. NO resolution. I still have his wet suit. He still has my coffee mugs. And a piece of my heart.
But…that beautiful talk we had about not dating other people and me being open to him? Fuck that.
Moving on now…
thecrazyoflove 