You would think I would have moved on a long time ago. After September, when we broke up. Or maybe over the holidays, when we gave it a shot and I realized he still wasn’t interested in commitment.
But love has a way of making you hold on. Or at least it does with me.
JBag missed my birthday. I didn’t get a text or a call or a big bouquet of flowers delivered to work (he did that last year, it was the sweetest).
I did get a test at 6:30 morning the day after. “Happy belated birthday, sweetie. Hope you had a great day.”
And that’s when my last shred of hope for him withered away.
Or at least that’s when I told it to.
Feelings don’t really work like that. You can’t just shut them off and tell them to go away. I used to be able to do that. I can’t anymore. Not once JBag opened the flood gates of feelings. He at least taught me that.
I have no reason to ever talk to him. I said as much to a friend, and he just laughed. We placed a bet, which I already lost because I replied “thanks” to JBag a few hours after his text.
I reactivated my online dating account. That is, after all, where I met Jbag.
I woke up sad…but not sad and crying the way I used to.
I’m not 100% sure how to forget him, to give up the hope that he’ll come around, to give up the idea that he was my true love.
Maybe part of me has been scared for this, because at least when I had hope for him I had something.
Currently, it feels like there’s a big fat nothing in the area of my love life. I realize life is not supposed to revolve around that, but who wants to go through their life without that special someone? Maybe there are people who are okay with not…but I’m not one of them.
I have officially given up on JBag. There is no reason to respond to anything, no reason to hold out hope. No reason to believe in him and make excuses. No reason to respond when he tells me he misses me. No reason to think it will ever again be what it was.
Ouch.
My life will go on…but, goddamn, does officially giving up on him hurt.
thecrazyoflove 